My Ex Bf and I Are Hanging Out Again
Today, we're going to talk well-nigh what it means when an ex-boyfriend wants to hang out with you lot.
So ultimately, we're going to be defining what that situation looks like and it'due south not necessarily the nearly common situation that we come across inside our coaching practice, but we do see information technology from time to fourth dimension.
- So nosotros will be defining what it ways.
- Next, we'll be looking at really what price cause them to want to hang out with you.
- Why would they ask yous out after a breakdown?
- And we're as well going to be talking well-nigh if hanging out with them is a proficient thought or not.
- Should you exercise it?
- And if you do decide to practise information technology, how should you be acting when you lot hang out with them?
So without further ado, let's just jump right into information technology. All right.
What Does It Mean If Your Ex Wants To Hang Out With You
And so what does this really look like?
What does information technology mean if your ex wants to hang out with you?
Now, the truth is that it's really not a i size fits all kind of an respond.
At that place are any number of interpretations for what it means when they desire to hang out with you lot, what the intent is behind the enquire.
- They could want yous back.
- They could only be trying to exist nice to yous.
- They could be trying to ready up a friends with benefits type situation.
Now, the existent claiming isn't necessarily understanding why they're doing it or agreement what it means, rather, it's understanding which interpretation is real.
At present, I spent some fourth dimension really game planning what I was going to say when I came to this section of this information.
And ultimately, I think I came upwardly with a pretty absurd approach to potentially helping you understand which interpretation is real.
So I've given along three primary interpretations for what information technology means when an ex wants to hang out with you.
They could want yous back. They could exist just trying to be dainty, or they could be trying to set upward a friends with benefits type state of affairs.
Now, what's interesting is when you look at each of these iii encounters, or situations, or interpretations, each one has nigh different symptoms.
So while in many cases you lot're going to notice the common theme throughout, you lot only kind of have to wait and see what their actions sort of tell you. There are some telltale signs that this person'south leaning more towards this fashion, or this person's leaning more towards that way.
And then what I'd like to do is get through each of these 3 interpretations and tell you what some of those telltale signs are.
Interpretation #i: They Could Want Yous Dorsum
So let's go first with the, what it will await like if they desire y'all back.
Then your ex basically broke up with y'all.
Almost of the people here have been through the receiving end of a breakdown.
Perhaps y'all go through a no contact rule. You lot stumble across some of our pieces of content.
You similar what you hear, you outset implementing it. And so when you exercise get back in touch with them, they want to hang out with you. So what would it look similar if they wanted to hang out with yous because they wanted you back?
Well, the first thing you should really pay attending to is if they bring up the past a lot.
We're noticing that well-nigh of our clients have anxious attachment styles.
Now, we're not maxim this equally like, "You lot need to exist diagnosed with an anxious attachment style disorder." It's not like that. They but take broken-hearted tendencies afterward the breakup, considering for them, their entire world revolves around this breakdown.
Now, a lot of our piece of work is sort of shifting their focus from focusing less well-nigh making their entire world about the breakup and more about similar, "Hey, wait at all these other interesting things that you can exercise."
But we also know from dealing with these broken-hearted attachment styles, individuals that their exes tend to exist avoidant attachment styles. And what'southward interesting about avoidant attachment styles is they really live for reminiscing.
They really live for nostalgia. Oftentimes, we're finding that nearly of your exes will non begin to really miss yous until they feel condom missing yous.
And the only way they feel safety missing you is if they feel like you lot've moved on from them or that yous don't want them dorsum anymore.
Then they give themselves permission to miss yous. And so what ends upward happening is they get this bout of nostalgia and they desire to try things again. So what they'll exercise is they'll bring up the past a lot.
"Hey, do you recollect that really interesting time we had on the beach?" or, "Hey, do yous remember when we went on that spur of the moment holiday?"
Normally what yous're going to be looking for if they're bringing up the past a lot is going to be romantic situations in the past. Now I'thou not talking about intimate situations.
I'm not talking about when you lot got hot and heavy type state of affairs. I'm talking about really meaningful emotional situations.
Like the starting time time he or she told yous that they dear yous, or the first time that you maybe opened up to them in a way that actually was meaningful for them.
Then they'll bring upwards the past a lot and specifically those blazon of situations in the past.
They may also apologize for their part in the breakup.
They may take some buying of, "I was a real jerk to you." What you'll as well detect is they'll say, "I love you a lot," or, "I miss you."
This is a little bit rarer because virtually of the time they won't say I love y'all until they're dorsum together with y'all, just they will say, "I miss you." And they'll hint at these kinds of things before the meetup.
This is an important and often underlooked at fact.
Virtually of the time people are focusing on what happens during the meetup.
Well, if they desire you lot dorsum, these types of things will pitter-patter in before the meetup actually occurs. So that'south the start interpretation on what to expect for if they potentially want yous dorsum.
Interpretation #2: They're Just Trying To Exist Prissy To You
The second interpretation is if they're merely trying to be nice to you lot. So the whole concept of them trying to exist prissy to y'all really revolves around the concept of staying friendly after a breakup.
So what happens with these types of people is they're friend zoning you.
Just what'south interesting almost the friend zone that I don't recall often gets talked near a lot is the concept that your ex, if they friend zones, y'all is withal getting something out of it, and that's the emotional attribute of a friendship with you.
So what you're looking for hither, if they're just trying to be overnice is before the meetup, they're opening up to you an extreme fashion emotionally, merely they don't become romantic with you.
So you'll get the sense that they're only essentially using you for emotional support. And what ends up happening and we're going to talk a little bit about this when we talk virtually what causes them to desire to hang out with you is the grass is greener syndrome might play a role here.
So maybe at some bespeak in their relationship with you lot, they experience unsatisfied and pause up with you because they retrieve they can find someone better.
And what ends up happening is sometimes when they don't discover that someone better, or perhaps they do find someone better, that someone ameliorate does non see their emotional needs similar you met their emotional needs. So what they're looking to do is try to fix up a situation where they can get their physical needs met elsewhere, merely their emotional needs met from you.
So that's the 2d big estimation and things to wait out for.
Interpretation #iii: Friends With Benefits
The third ane is a friends with benefits type situation where they're non necessarily coming into it with the intent of playing yous, simply they are coming into it with the intent of becoming intimate with you. So oftentimes, before yous guys meet up together, they'll bring up times that yous were actually together in the by a lot.
Then they'll flirt with you, but it will become very sexual very fast and information technology will make maybe fifty-fifty you a little scrap uncomfortable and starting time questioning, "Should friends be talking this way to each other?"
That's a good sign that this is mostly what they're going to be after. We've seen this happen a lot before the bodily meetup.
And then of course, when you become to the actual meetup, they will really appoint in aggressive type of flirting. I don't know how to say this without being blunt, but they will try to make a move. Oft, what's interesting is and this is mostly women listening to this podcast, but a big aspect of the dating area for men specifically is the pickup artist niche.
And it's always interesting considering I never try to excuse any concept that I think tin can help my clients. And so what was interesting is a few years ago, I took a look at similar, "Okay, well, what are these pickup artists recommending and tin we use whatever of the things on a reverse surface area towards the men that my clients are trying to become back?" And what's interesting is this idea of kino flirting came up.
So kino flirting is like where your progressive actually ratcheting upwardly the intensity of physical impact a engagement. Then similar, if you imagine on a date you start with the slightest physical impact, a hug, and then maybe you slowly affect their paw in a gesture when you're telling a story.
Then perchance you're starting holding easily and it just continues to progress from in that location.
What you're really looking for if your ex is trying to create a friends with benefits situation is this subconscious kino flirting.
So subconsciously what will happen is on the engagement they will begin touching yous in these means. It will start out calorie-free, merely so the intensity will go more and more intense equally the appointment goes on. And and then eventually they will ultimately attempt to make their move.
Now, I don't think I demand to say this, merely I'one thousand going to say information technology just to cover my bases. Nosotros do not believe in sleeping with exes before you actually get a commitment. We find that if you practise end upward with a friends with benefits situation, it'due south actually among i of the nearly difficult situations to exit of. All right. So let's switch gears here and talk a piddling flake virtually what causes them to want to hang out with y'all.
What Causes An Ex To Desire To Hang Out With You lot
And I kind of already gave the answer abroad a lilliputian bit earlier when explaining the interpretations, simply we're finding that a huge reason or a huge motivation for why your ex-boyfriend volition desire to hang out with you after the breakdown is the grass is greener effect.
I think you can brand 1 big coating statement near all breakups in that, normally they occur because one or both parties thinks that they tin find someone else to better see their needs. This is the very definition of the grass is greener effect.
And then they sit down in that location and think, "Well, I can find a improve alternative to you. I can find someone that meets my needs better than you, and I'm going to prove it." And this is also a footling flake of where that winning the breakdown concept comes into play every bit well.
A lot of times people with a grass is greener syndrome want the grass is greener to exist on the other side and then badly because it means that they were right, that their decision does non accept to be lived with regret.
Of course, what ends up happening is usually it'south a 50-50 proffer.
Sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side.
And when they realize the grass isn't greener, they have to walk this really tight, tight rope where they are non admitting that they were wrong for breaking up with you, but also knowing deep down that they regret their decision.
And so you accept this paradox that exists where on the one hand, they desire to go on their pride.
They want to brand certain that they, they did not make a error. But on the other hand, they're having farthermost regret considering they're realizing how much they miss you. So oftentimes, what ends upward happening is there'southward the slow progression towards them asking you lot out.
And we recall this is ane of the big causes that makes them desire to hang out with you lot. And I do recollect you can sort of loop in the interpretations that we talked about as well. If they desire you back, this is certainly the case.
If they're just trying to be nice, at that place's fifty-fifty a grass is greener event there because they're looking for emotional needs to get met. If they want friends with benefits, over again, y'all have a grass is greener effect because they're really looking for the physical needs to get met.
So they're regretting their conclusion to get out you.
Is Hanging Out With Your Ex A Expert Thought?
Now, let'south get to the rub. Is hanging out with them a good thought?
This ane's a hard one to respond, because really information technology depends where y'all are in the process.
So one of the things that I talk a lot nigh on the podcast, the articles, the YouTube channel, fifty-fifty the program is the concept of the value ladder.
Then the value ladder, if you don't know what information technology is, the all-time analogy I can requite you is imagine that you have a ladder up against a house. In order to climb the ladder, you lot have to take each step one by one.
This is the fashion yous should exist approaching trying to get an ex dorsum.
That's the approach that yous want to take.
Yous start out with something very, very light. Well, let'due south support. You lot start out first with the no contact rule.
And then later that, you start off with something very, very light where you're just text messaging them back and along and building a connection through text messaging.
Then after that connectedness has been congenital through text messaging, you advance up and start calling on the phone or mixing in phone calls or FaceTime or Zooms with them to endeavor to ratchet up the tension.
I retrieve also sending them videos can be included hither or sending them phonation notes tin can be included hither. Once enough attraction had been built up, and so y'all come across up with them. Only yous don't run into up with them in a romantic manner.
You lot come across upwards with them in a light, a not-romantic/little romantic way and so later on enough of those meetups have happened, then you lot continue your first truthful romantic date.
And if you lot're able to go through that progression ix times out of 10, if you're a female, your ex will inquire for you back. Though, we do have sort of a protocol for what to practise if you are in a situation where you're ex is too cowardly to ask for you dorsum.
Now, this is where information technology gets difficult, because what essentially is happening with this topic where your ex young man wants to hang out with you is they are skipping to the top of the value ladder. And so here's my arroyo.
My approach is this is truly a gut decision, just I think in my opinion, you should not hang out with them during a no contact rule, unless they specifically state they want you back. That's the one caveat.
Other than that, a no contact rule has to be finished and completed in order for y'all to consider hanging out with them. But ideally in a perfect world, what we want is to build up some apprehension for that meet upwards.
And so they want to hang out with you.
And the best way to do that is, let's assume you're in a situation where you lot finish a no contact rule, yous get back in touch with them, so your ex immediately wants to hang out with you lot.
Practice yous say yes or no? Well, yous kind of do the centre of the route approach, which where y'all say aye, merely and then you reschedule. What I mean past that is you say aye, but reschedule to a later date immediately say, "I would love to, I'grand decorated on this twenty-four hour period. Does this solar day work for yous instead?"
The reason for that is it gives y'all some time to look… It does two things really. The first thing is it actually tests to see how much your ex-boyfriend really wants to hang out with yous.
The second thing is information technology gives you lot more time to continue building a connectedness and so that you can kind of come into this with some type of momentum. What happens if y'all don't practise that though?
Well, nosotros have seen it work out. I'yard not going to sit hither and lie to you. In some cases, we've had people completely condone the advice that I but gave. Merely hanging out with their ex, their ex immediately asked for them back.
Only, in over lxx% of the cases, information technology doesn't piece of work out. Why?
It doesn't piece of work out considering ultimately your ex-boyfriend is looking for some time blazon of need to get met. Either ordinarily they want an emotional need met or a physical need met. One time those needs are met, in one case yous hang out with them, the chase is over. They've gotten what they've looked at and they're thinking to themselves, "I didn't actually desire her dorsum anyways."
Nonetheless, the approach is different if you make them work for information technology a trivial bit. And I'k not maxim like physically, I'1000 saying, make them work just for your time. All all of a sudden they value y'all more. And so that is the thinking backside why you should sort of say yeah, but schedule.
How You Should Act If You Decide To Hang Out With Them
Okay. So how should you act if you decide to hang out with them? This is a really good question.
And to be honest with you, if it's your first meetup, I think you lot should only come into this with a few tenet rules that you're abiding by. If you lot come into this with the script of exactly what you lot're going to say, it normally ends upwards being super bad-mannered and not so efficient.
Instead, come up into this with merely a few guidelines.
The guidelines are, yous're non going to actually bring up the past human relationship. If they bring upward the past relationship, don't pretend and information technology didn't be. Admit it, and and so change the subject and say, "Yes, I'd really like to talk most where we are right now." Or, "I'd actually similar to talk about something else interesting." I don't know, recall of something. The 2nd large rule that you desire to practice is you should always wait neat.
Show them what they're missing out on. And really the third large rule is if y'all're going to compare with something, information technology needs to be something important that you exercise during the no contact rule. So we've been talking a lot almost the no contact rule and the concept of the Holy Trinity.
And really the Holy Trinity is a fancy manner of proverb someone who has anxious attachment tendencies will… If y'all can imagine their time is like a block. Someone who has anxious attachment style tendencies, 70% of that cake is dedicated to their ex, 30% is defended to all the other aspects of their life. What we're really trying to get you to do during the no contact rule is to make your ex just xxx% of the cake and the rest of your life seventy% of the cake. That's what nosotros're trying to get you lot to exercise. So what you're doing with your fourth dimension should be noteworthy enough to mention.
Here'due south an example using a health-based blazon matter. And then I recently take gotten into cycling. I've sustained an injury in my human foot. I was training for a marathon. And so I sustained an injury in my human foot and I needed something low impact to do. So I got into cycling and started really getting into information technology and trying to understand like, "Okay, what are the best bicycles? What's the best cadence? And what's the all-time way to train?"
And then I bought a wheel and realized at that place's this really cool programme online chosen Zwift, which allows y'all to basically ready a existent cycle up in your house and ride in a digital world with other people. And information technology'due south really cool. I merely literally was doing it earlier I started talking well-nigh this topic. And information technology's really cool because you could see other people's paces.
So you get to kind of race them a little bit, but also yous get to see all sorts of cool things. The scenery alone just helps you non focus on how much pain it is to continue pedaling. And it's actually cool. If y'all get a smart trainer, information technology simulates what information technology's similar to actually go upwardly a hill.
There's actually absurd maps on there. In that location'due south like a map where yous can ride through a volcano. There'south a map where in that location'southward dinosaurs around and you're merely riding. There'south pre-programmed workouts. It'due south simply this really absurd matter.
At present, if you tell that type of a thing to your ex, information technology'due south going to do a couple of things. Number 1, is it going to say, "Wow, she's been working out." Number two is, "Wow, that's really cool. Zwift, I'm going to have to cheque that out." And information technology's even better if you take some sort of physical… like the Zwift has this app that y'all can employ on your telephone, where you can show people your workouts and brand friends. Information technology'due south like a bicycle support group type affair.
But it's like a absurd story to sort of share. Yous just demand to come into the engagement, or the hangout, or the meetup with that blazon of a mentality.
Just talk about what y'all've been doing without your ex and don't rub information technology in, just go far actually interesting.
Talk about one aspect and unremarkably that's enough. So that'southward going to practice it.
Source: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/my-ex-boyfriend-wants-to-hang-out/
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